From the Diary of a Jihadi Indian Journo (Satire)

I am doing all I can for this misguided lot because theirs is the only faith that’s worthy of being saved. When they kill people from other faiths, it’s not really killing people because those from these other faiths don’t actually count as human beings. So, here I have been working long, more importantly since 2002 to help this lot flourish, defend them when they get trashed (for doing what I think is right) but sometimes one can’t be blatant and say that they’re right in what they do, so I say that the folks who engage in terrorism are not true adherents of their faith. It’s the best defence under the circumstances. Then there are other methods like calling a terrorist a social media warrior or a commander of a dashing militant outfit. Do note, we emphasize that this outfit works for freedom and independence. Best to not mention that this and similar outfits and its adherents engaged in ethnic cleansing of that group of infidels by subjecting them to the most horrific of abuses, I won’t say human rights abuses because the group of infidels don’t count as human beings in my eyes and in our Book either. I am smart enough to never ever mention that ethnic cleansing part. When it had just happened, I did a story on how those infidels had it coming for being well off compared to this lot of believers and tried to prove that economics was the important factor to distract folks from focusing on the Book and its teachings. That’s Rule 1, never ever concede that a wrong happened by our side. To concede ethnic cleansing of a vile sort happened would be like conceding territory to the bunch of infidel enemy.

Remember in Feb 2002 when a bunch of some 59 from the infidel lot were burnt in a train by our believer lot, we first said it was an accident and then said they (infidels) had it coming for they were “karsevaks”. We didn’t reveal that those in that train compartment included women and little children and infants. So what if they were burnt to death in what (we said) was an unfortunate accident? Of course, courts later indicted a lot of the believers lot and said it was a conspiracy. Whatever! I never ever retracted my false stories or apologized for being an incompetent journalist when what I reported was proved to be wrong or false. Nor did I or my channel retract our falsehoods when we called one of our own, that LeT terrorist innocent and the FBI and so many other entities had clinching evidence of her being an LeT operative. After her LeT links were found to be conclusive, we harped on the fair-trial angle. Even if someone is a terrorist, they cannot be killed in a fake encounter was the line we stuck with. When other news channels recently released footage to prove that it wasn’t a fake encounter at all and those who were killed died in a genuine encounter and were armed, then we just reported other stories and didn’t bother with this one. That’s how it’s done.

So, as I was saying, it’s a lot of work. Spin news left and right. If an infidel dies not to make a mention of it at all but when the believer lot engages in terror, even if 1 victim belongs to the believing faith, we must harp on how the major victims of such terror are folks of the same faith. Another important back breaking job is to go and hunt for victims from this group and humanize them. Do note, even if they are perpetrators of terror, they are in a sense victims because of all those other evil forces out there (non believers, those who fight terror including the Armed forces, those who don’t understand how misguided they are, etc). Next is humanizing the perpetrators and presenting them as victims. If there are some actual victims from this faith, a human angle story is that much easy to create and we do those stories as often as we can.

So there was a story of a man killed in a tussle over a stolen calf. I saw to it that him stealing a neighbour’s calf, killing it and eating it was left out of the narrative and presented it as a story of the evil others (infidels of course) who killed a man for his choice of diet (beef). I created a non-stop 4 or 5 weeks of outrage and furore to depict this whole infidel group as a fascist lot which wants to monitor what others eat and don’t eat. I thought my work was done, but just as I turn my attention to the story of humanizing a killed terrorist by presenting him as a son of school head master and as one who is merely a social media warrior, guess what the courts do? They find out the actual truth about the family of the man that was murdered for stealing the calf. And they go around filing an FIR against his family. The cheek!

So really, this is a thankless job. And just when I was busy doing a human angle story about stone-pelters who got hit in the eye due to guns with pellets used by the evil Armed forces who just can’t let terrorists and their stone throwing supporters be, guess what my lot of believers in another land do? They kill some 80 odd infidels using a truck. Of course, our lot (of media Enablers) knows what to do in such instances. We took no names. After all evil infidel saffron wasn’t involved so many of the outlets like mine just said a truck went out of control and many people got killed. But there are some outlets which have the cheek to broadcast facts so it got out as being another attack by our believer lot. Now it’s going to be some task to find believer victims among the 80 odd who died. Then we can make it about how our own lot suffers the most from misguided believers who misinterpret our great Book. Yes, don’t quote specific verses from The Book to me—like the ones which say infidels must be killed. We aren’t yet at a place where we can bluntly say that that’s the right thing to do–so we have to beat about the bush and talk about how folks are not true adherents and misinterpret the Book blah blah (blah blah BTW is one of my favourite terms when I give it back to evil infidels who corner me with facts).

But as I said, it’s a lot of hard work, working for my believer lot, using this argument some time, and the other one another time. There are *duffers* who notice and call out my saying this for one instance and another thing another time or not speaking against murder of infidels. That’s the nature of the job–we have to use what works for a given situation, we just can’t afford to be consistent or logical. And for now, no point in providing clarity on what our lot actually wants and believes in because we haven’t reached our ideal of setting up a society which adheres to all the laws in the Book.. but there’ll be a time when the world becomes Sh–ia compliant and I’ll have less work to do..

P.S. Please don’t think money is involved in the services I provide to our believers lot.. I do believe in the cause too.


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